My husband works 60 hours a week 5-6 days a week, until around 9 every night. It is some throughout that entire period-IDK what that means but to me probably 1-2 weekends a month which isnt really that many. Youve got to convince him that he can enjoy My boyfriend and I have been together for nearly four years now and have discussed marriage in the near future. Hell appreciate her more if she starts acting a little more independently. LW, you are not being unreasonable! I dont know that I would use the word dysfunctional, but I do think that the parents and the son are a bit clingy. I dont know how to handle a situation that hasnt happened yet. . June 18, 2014, 12:24 pm. When they were planning on adopting, I told her that if this is an issue to where she is left with baby a huge amount of time and resents him for it, its not going to be pretty. Im not saying anyones wrong, either. Melissa Melms, who lives with her fianc in Hoboken, New Jersey, says making time for herself amps up her happiness, which in turn benefits the relationship. All rights reserved. She should say something about it to the BF at least. But seriously, moving in with a guy after dating him for three months? Pay careful attention to his reaction. Fast-forward almost 30 years: I become friends with several ppl who all are super tight with their moms. Yeah, I agree you should really talk to him about it. My boyfriend and I have been together for a little over four months and have been living together for about three weeks. Doing that every week seriously compromises a relationship with a partner who is not ok with that set-up. And if he doesnt, then thats a big red flag. GatorGirl LW I would advise you not to make it seem like you are asking your boyfriend to choose either you or his family. If you actually like your partner, there's a chance you'll want to spend Christmas day together. I do care for his parents and they are nice people but at the same time I want a separate life with just me and my boyfriend. I would plan some things. Trying to see this in another light (or maybe just defending myself haha), I could totally see myself saying oh come on, hang out for a while longer to just about anyone who comes over. Lets find out why he behaves like that and offer tips on what you should do. There are so many preserved places that are paid for with tax dollars so you might as well use them. Personally, I would give him an ultimatumtherapy or you need to move on and find someone whos actually emotionally available. Once that ebbs a little, I predict things are going to get problematic. January 20, 2012, 10:03 am. You mention what you used to do when your were single. Whether you need help around the house, want to go on a romantic weekend getaway together, or just want to cuddle while watching movies, youre entitled to it. Of course Im describing a worse-case scenario, but think of what feels right for YOU as far as family interaction & seek that out. Dont go this weekend. I have been marriend two my husband for five years. If they are going to see his parents then I think he should pick up the tickets, especially since finances are tighter for her. At the center, authority figures in a power position, you typically have parents or other guardians. LW has already talked to bf and this hasnt worked. I have friends who are engaged and live together. But I dont think giving him an ultimatum me or them is the best way to try to improve the situation. If he goes to see his parents every single weekend while his gf, who has made it clear she will only go with him once a month, stays home, he is essentially choosing them over. Help him understand that while you do like his family (and its great that you like his family thats not always the case! lets_be_honest If the situation is even more complicated, for example, if his parents are old or his siblings have problems, your husband will feel even more guilty for leaving them. You cant expect your husband to not want to see his family, and you shouldnt. Tax Geek January 20, 2012, 10:52 am. The adult children are taught to never make a decision without consulting the parents or family. June 18, 2014, 12:46 pm. Yeah, I agree with ron. During football season we spend Saturdays and Sundays, all day, watching football with the same people. And if we dont decide to go there a weekend hes home, his mom will ALWAYS think of an excuse to drop by for hours at a time. Theyre always around and we dont get to do stuff together anymore. and second, maybe have a date night once a weekend or something like that, where you dont have the stress of work/school to think about for the next day. Communication people. I think more people would do well to have a back-up plan if youre to break up (who moves out? Those conversations should have happened before. to a point, but there are some things that there is no way around not having a conversation around. CottonTheCuteDog My family lives a 45 mins train ride out of Grand Central (not including hopping a cab or the subway to get to GCT- and then the ride to their place once we get off the train) and if I made my boyfriend go with me once a week to see them he would be less than thrilled. Theyve been going out for only four months and living together three weeks. January 20, 2012, 9:14 am. I completely agree with Angelique in that this family dynamic is dysfunctional. YES! You guys share a toilet, you can afford some alone time one weekend a month. Parents get old and die. As a PP said, some extended families are close and spend a whole lot of time together, and girlfriends, boyfriends, spouses, get pulled right into the family circle. GatorGirl Some things you may never known until you move in together. I thought the same thing. ?? Its not weird to them. You dont need to spend every weekend or every day with your boyfriend. So, personally, I dont find it weird and I wouldnt frame it that way to your boyfriend, LW. They live in a suburb of New York, where we live, and weve somehow gotten into a routine of spending significant amounts of time at their house nearly every weekend. January 20, 2012, 11:06 am. I get that many dont, but I dont think thats dysfunctional. Like the people who say they wouldnt want to know a significant other was cheating on them. Remember there's a reason you want to spend Christmas together. Sorry if someone else mentioned this and I didnt see, but it seems as though the boyfriend moved straight from his parents house to with her, right? If you cant deal for the long haul, then dont. This isnt a minor trait that you can ask someone to change for you, like throwing away your toenail clippings instead of leaving them on the floor. Okay okay. January 20, 2012, 3:04 pm. All rights reserved. If its something that you just cant some to terms with, than it may just be an incompatibility that you two cant overcome. Firstly, it will be different for every couple, and secondly, some things you will never find out no matter how long you are dating until you move in together and go to sleep and wake up with each other every single day.. You arent happy and yet you stay. My boyfriends mom can be like this wants to spend all her time with him/us because she doesnt work much anymore and is bored, and obviously loves him. And its not as if the family bonded during their time together; they for the most part stayed in their own rooms reading and whatnot. barf. Im not sure how much leverage she has with the parents. Healthy couples accept these realities of life, work together to minimize the strain, and maximize their relaxation and entertainment time.. He likely will turn into the bf, or if they marry the husband, who is the stay-at-home couch potato, while LW pines for outside the home activities. There is a very natural way to spark further conversation on this topic and perhaps get beyond the impasse. June 18, 2014, 10:17 am. But I have too much shit to do at work today so Ill spare everyone my tangent. Maybe this difference will be easily resolved, and youll be together forever! You dont have to spend as much time with the parents as your boyfriend does & he might reduce his own time there if youre not there with him. I agree with you. I used to joke with Bassanio that Jews and Catholics had a lot in common: the parental guilt. I dont think the parents issue is as big of a deal as the not-communicating-about-money-very-well thing. WebHusband spends all his free time with his adult chilrdren. Ive dealt with this type. Husband says we will spend Christmasses together when we have our own family. I come from a pretty tight knit family, and yea, when i was a kid i remember everyone coming over to mom and dads for Sunday lunch. In my experience, if you manage to schedule some quality couple time whatever activity counts as that for you every weekend, youre likely to care much less about visiting the in-laws etc. I base this on the LWs statement that one or the other tries to make her feel guilty for not wanting to spend every weekend with the parents. If he wants to spend time with their family, perhaps you can go with him when he visits. Ive put my head in the sand in relationships as well before. I do think that the way the boyfriend and his parents are trying to make the LW feel guilty for wanting to spend time away from the boyfriends parents is a red flag. Declining to go really shouldnt require an explanation, but if he really needs one just say its a combination of the expense, that youve seen them more often than your own parents, and that you simply have other things you want to do this weekend. So the next time he says Im going to my parents house, just answer Have fun. Summer and fall is half the year. Laura Hope OR maybe he makes more money than she does and doesnt realize the strain on her finances. Saturday night is date night you are willing to sacrifice one date night a month to see his parents but thats it. January 20, 2012, 10:09 am. ReginaRey Laura Hope bluesunday I think that, though you try to play it off as not a big deal, you are a little jealous/sad that your boyfriends parents live close and yours live far away. You know I was in a similar situation once, my ex and his parents like to see each other a lot more than I liked to see them. . All Im saying is be careful. No, spending 1 or 2 weekends with the parents or your boyfriends isnt that many, but it is, if you dont get to see your boyfriend at all in between these times. June 18, 2014, 10:47 am. My dads side of the family is like this- I have an uncle and aunt who spend every day at my grandparents for at least a few hours. WebWe spend far more time during the year with husbands family. . Did he see them a lot over the holidays or not see them much at all? His family is about a 3 hour drive away from us while mine Or maybe its the first major difference in opinion in a long line of future differences. i think the dysfunction wouldnt come from just the time spent, like the literal hours, i think the dysfunction would come from the things surrounding the time spent- the guilt, ect. Clearly the guy likes to spend time with his family, and might have different views on social life than you. It also gets you out of the house so that, when his parents drop by, too bad, you arent there. Sources: Ive studied psychology and dysfunctional family dynamics for years. He considers you a party breaker because you dont want to sit all day every weekend with his family and listen to the same stories. I just dont understand this concept. I can see his point about just sitting around the house so get out and be a tourist in your hometown. you can let things happen naturally to a certain point but after that there are times you have to have a conversation, unless you want there to be misunderstandings or assumptions made. So make him choose. Not normal. Now, if ever, is a time when sitting at home binging on a favorite show on Netflix should be an acceptable and normal way to spend the weekend. This too. Actually, its not just the weekends; your husband wants to spend every moment with his parent and his family. He has 3 sons two who are 26 (act like January 20, 2012, 5:36 pm. January 4, 2021, 3:30 am. Then you need a different boyfriend. Spend most of their spare time with Mom, and significant others take a backseat. Although that is a great idea, unfortunately, those plans arent going to work for me as my boyfriend likes to tag along his parents whenever he goes on trips. That would be great if your husband didnt spend every weekend with his family instead of you. WebGoing every weekend with a 6 hour drive is a lot, but if he feels like thats what he wants to do then he should. So, instead of an adult whos ready to take on the world the result is someone with severely low self esteem that does Not seem to be able to take responsibility or make many if any decisions on their own. I really do not think that there is any set amount of time a couple should be dating or know each other before moving to the next stage of the relationship. artsygirl What are the main reasons why he behaves like that: 1. At the end of the day though like Wendy said, the situation itself isnt going to change, so either find ways to deal with it, or leave. In fact toward the end, when I was tired of the distance and really pushing for us to have a normal weekend together, he started accusing me of trying to take him away from his family (nvm the fact that in the four years prior to our relationship when he was away at college, he would come home and visit his family once a semester but then he started dating me and coming home every other weekend). If the amount of time he spends with his parents is causing an issue in his relationship, then I would say its definitely a problem he needs to address. My husband just kind of talks to his whenever and really only sees them on holidays. Firstly, it will be different for every couple, and secondly, some things you will never find out no matter how long you are dating until you move in together and go to sleep and wake up with each other every single day. YES! From unexpected work obligations on the weekend to sudden business travel demands, one partners professional goals and ambitions can impose stress on a You can even switch off on who decides on what you two do in the city. which i think is what youre saying. I think it gives both of us an opportunity to have some alone time. The timeline seems off here. If youre not into the family bit, I would suggest not dating someone who completely is. I would not enjoy feeling like I couldnt just be at home some weekends. Same way he knows about how I feel about abortion, politics, etc. I am afraid for humanity. Ditto to the making plans paragraph. artsielady. Your boyfriend is spending every weekend at his parents house because you are enabling that to happen. You can accept that this is how it is for as long as he works a job that has him away from home for months on end and if you ever have kids, it will be worse because his parents will have grandkids theyll want to spend time with in addition to their son or you can decide this is a deal-breaker and move on. Something like frequent arguments, disagreements, misunderstandings? What should I do? 1. The thing is, he is grown up and he has chosen to place a large emphasis on his family time. Dear Ann Cannon So my only son and his wife have been married for almost four years. allathian Long story short even though we saw each other almost every weekend for 4.5 straight years, not once did he agree to this. Find a free movie or concert in the park, those seem to be like everywhere. I do think its a valid point to want more alone time with your significant other regardless of how hes spending the rest of their time, but I also dont see it as a dysfunctional family dynamic. Thatll probably shut them up. We are just those types of people though, which is why I said originally to the LW that this is usually just a fundamental part of people and not something you can really change that much. What matters is how his behavior and how his lifestyle make you feel. GatorGirl December 6, 2022, 12:17 pm. Just plan something, anything. There is also a possibility that his parents create this feeling of guilt. I hate having family stay over at our house. I agree that some things should be discussed in more detail,for example, who pays what bill. I agree. Lets see what to do with all our weekends, vacation and generally free time what to do with all our money oh, the abortion, should I get knocked up by the way, would you want or not want to know if I was cheating on you.. Oh, what else.. who is going to do the dishes, and who is taking out the garbage.. Am I forgetting anything? To me that is a bit thorough and ridiculous. That it wouldnt be that big of a deal if the LW and the bf went out a couple of times to visit his parents together and if he went out a time or two on his own. Each That in itself is not dysfunctional, but putting a guilt trip on somebody because they would rather do something else is. it was just a sort of tradition. Im torn. I hate to say it, but I dont think your boyfriend or his parents (especially his parents) are going to change. The second reason is that you know you will not have any peace from his parents. Its weird. If its true that you miss your family and that hanging with his makes you homesick for your own, acknowledge that and own those feelings. But, guilting someone is wrong and there is a little of that going on here. Better you learn where things stand now than later down the road if/when he proposes or you get married. I stand by it. Ugh and when girls believe their boyfriends that clearly just dont want the bang train to leave over other people it drives me crazy. My husband and I are very much like you all except reversed. You accept him as he is or you leave. You say We have a great relationship and I dont want this issue to grow into such a large issue that I cant handle it anymore one day. If she is like lets do XYZ and he says no, lets sit at momsyeah thats a little off. Everyone knows how to throw a frisbee, right? Hes going to do what hes going to do and if in four years he hasnt changed, then he probably wont, Your only choice is to accept it or move on. OR look up state parks. This LW specifically has a problem during the summer/fall months (so 6 months tops, depending where she lives) when he gets to come home *only some weekends* so not every single weekend, and he spends a majority of his time with his family and the LW. Although the LW said that the mom finds a reason to drop by for hours at a time if theyre at her place. You want to spend the weekend together, and he has to visit each of them. January 20, 2012, 9:10 am. Go to a zoo! Explore a new neighborhood or close-by town? Not to say that this stuff goes away altogether, just that it can decrease in frequency, sometimes dramatically. Over holidays if DW got this letter when I think she did. Unless, of course, there are some urgent circumstances. And he was a bore. My boyfriend goes to his mom and dads every weekend doesnt think me or my children with him he used to text me all the time and call me he doesnt do that anymore weve been together 3 years and there any place he ever takes me is to the grocery store and back home and he doesnt even hardly touch or kiss or anything anymore I tell him I love him all the time hell tell me back but I feel that he just tells me because he doesnt want it to hurt me. when we went to move in together we just said ok, what price range are you looking for. Agreed. No, spending 1 or 2 weekends with the parents or your boyfriends isnt that many, but it is, if you dont get to see your boyfriend at all in between these times. Link AnneJune 18, 2014, 10:20 am lets_be_honest maybe your boyfriend assumes that if you guys dont have plans, you can spend time at his familys. 1. 15 signs he doesnt want to spend time with you 1) Hes always busy Granted, most people are busy these days. There have been times where Im ready to leave Peters moms and it takes forever to try to leave and I get annoyed, or if she pops in and Im just not in the mood for company, but I feel like those are just mere annoyances.