Aristocrats no longer exist, or at least theyre not called aristocrats. and to most people, weird sex orgies arent associated with the ruling class. O'Malley: Lay some skin on me,Scat Cat. Duchess: Perhaps! I am really in a great deal of trouble. Hole in the left sole,it sounds like. [ Laughing ], Napoleon: You're not gonna believe this, man,but it's. Mark Elliott: The story of one extraordinary human being. Lafayette: Hey, Napoleon! Roquefort:[ Panting ] Mr.O'Malley, I've heard your name. Duchess: Oh, I'm so sorry, but,well, we just couldn't. Then the father and son take the baby and start stuffing it head-first back into the mother's vagina, while the daughter's piss rains down on all of them. Duchess? I love 'em. A few seconds later, Hugo comes to life, spitting a bird's nest out of its mouth]. [Whispering]Can you keep a secret? Have some. Its an opportunity for the grossest part of a comics brain to go wild. Mark Elliott: The third and final chapter of the emotional trilogy. This is not a joke, this would go on TV. Please,you must stop that. Abigail: Gracious me. [Tearing]Oh drat! Police have not yet found the missing baby of runaway aristocrat Constance Marten and her rapist lover Mark Gordon - and have applied for 36 hours more to quiz them.. It really is muchtoo heavy for you, Madame. What's this? It probes the darkest, sickest places of the comedian. You are a great talent. Madame isexpecting you, sir. Roquefort: Don't come in! [Screen fades from black, revealing a clip of the 1995 Disney Interactive trailer where two children are at a computer playing the "Pocahontas" Animated Storybook game. [O'Malley pounces. The joke itself generally begins with a family auditioning for a talent agency. I-l mean-- Well,I don't mean to interrupt. Bonsoir! O'Malley needs help! O'Malley: Uh-huh, yeah. Amelia: Of course, my dear. Chorus: [sings] Winnie the Pooh. It's a totally different show. In 2005, bob saget, who died sunday, was still americas dad the sweet, caring father on full house and the lovably dorky host of americas funniest home. Clopin and Chorus: [singing] BellsofNotreDame! He says, "What do you do?" WebThe Aristocrats" is a taboo-defying off-color joke that has been told by numerous stand-up comedians and dates back to the vaudeville era. (2x). Upward and onward! Doug Stanhope: So it's finally just a whole prolapsed rectum. Mark Elliott: Lead Aladdin into his biggest adventure ever. O'Malley: "Basted"? Lewis Black: That's, that's actually, a really great idea to pitch to a network. Yeah. Shun Gon: Oh, boy, fellas! Shall we keep himin the family? [Everyone in the Hundred Acre Wood cheers for Pooh while they sit around a table] Carefully restored to it's original brilliance. Oh, dear! O'Malley: Oh! Now, please, darling, settle down,and play meyour pretty little song. And each cat has nine lives. Good heavens! Now don't be frightened. Madame Adelaide Bonfamille:Oh, it's no use, Edgar. [onscreen]The baggage truck willbe here any moment now. Duchess:Oh, no, no. But now we have tocook up a little spell. Ooh! I'll think of a way. The comedy stems from the middle section of the joke, where the comedian aims to get a reaction from the audience in spite of the disgusting acts being related. Scat Cat tosses a bucket of water over Edgar's head. [ Laughing ]. Madame Adelaide Bonfamille:You know, Georges, if Edgarhad only known about the will,I'm sure he neverwould have left. [ Mumbling ]. Get out! [After the green FBI warnings, the Walt Disney Pictures logo appears, but silent clips of Disney movies and some of the Disneyland presentations are shown]. I-l mean, eat--Eat well, of course. And, Georges, we must be sure toprovide for their future little ones. Now don't panic. Mac:[offscreen]Yup, and she goesall the way to Timbuktu. "Oh, we're N*gger C*nts. Duchess: [Sighing] I understand perfectly,Monsieur O'Malley, sir. Amelia: Abigail, we were bornwith flat feet. [winks]Right off the cuff, yeah. Edgar stabs a mound of hay with a pitchfork. Oh, where am I? Obviously a philanderer who trifleswith unsuspecting women's hearts. Napoleon: Wait a minute! I got a million of 'em. The work of a genius. Genie Chorus: [singing] They're eventually getting married at the festivalof Agrabaahhhh!!!! Boy: We drive and drive and drive some more. Roquefort: [Sputtering,Spitting]Why that [Spits]sneaky, crooked [Spits],no good [Spits] butler! Duchess: Now, now, my darling. Woody: [Shakes Buzz's head] You're a toy! O'Malley: Oh, thank you. [2] When told to audiences who know the punch line, the joke's humor depends on the described outrageousness of the family act.[3][4]. Would you agree with that? It's creme de la cremeala Edgar. What's all the whis--whispering about, huh? I'm not at home at all. Marie: Oh noI wouldn'ttake up much room. [Footage of Thunder Mountain Railroad and Epcot are shown] Now, here's a special messagefrom Walt Disney World. Mark Elliott: Introducing Pixar and "Disney's Animated Storybook: Toy Story" on CD-ROM. Edgar Balthazar: [Shoes Squeaking] If I were those mongrels, where would I find my stuff? Away! Duchess: Oh, ho, ho,you are charming! Right? In 2005, bob saget, who died sunday, was still americas dad the sweet, caring father on full house and the There's incest. I like Uncle Waldo. But I don't remember what was so "bad." O'Malley: Duchess. [offscreen] Now stop beatin'your gums and sound the attack! Woody: This is the perfect time to panic! Edgar Balthazar: Oh, please, sir, justhold on! Well, that's easy for, uh,for what's-his-name to say. We're on holiday. It's not exactly the Ritz,but it's peaceful and quiet. They got rubber feet. Marie: Thank you, Mr. O'Malley,for saving my life. Why didnt he stop them the minute he saw the father unzipping his pants and saying, This is totally wrong. Madame Adelaide Bonfamille:Just in time now! Anyway, it's much longerthan I'd ever live. Where did these people find employment! Milkman:Sapristi! A family walks in to a talent. You don't suppose--. [Grunting]Lafayette! Title of infamous joke without a punchline. 7:01. Hugo, Victor and Laverne: [singing] A guy like you! He takes the tampon and throws it at the window and it sticks. [ Hiccups ]. Now what's the hang-up,your ladyship? WebIts an opportunity for the grossest part of a comics brain to go wild. Good. Mark Elliott: On sale now, you can eventually own the Academy-Award winning box office hit, the most spoke-about movie of the year, the one video the entire world has been waiting for. Toulouse: I'm a tough alley cat too. This family, mother, father, four kids. Very poetic. O'Malley: No, no, no, baby. Gives birth to a three-pound Shetland pony! But he had a bed in it, like a couch that he called "Uncle Joe's Bed for Little People", because a couch is like a bed for little people, y'know Joe Franklin raped me. Madame Adelaide Bonfamille:Now don't move. (onscreen)Please introduce yourselves to him, darlings. Lafayette: I still say it wasa little old cricket bug. Jon Stewart: Um Yeah, I think it's best if we don't break it down. Send us a tip using our anonymous form. Lafayette: Oh, I get blamedfor everything. You know. Will you hold on, please! Duchess: You know something,Thomas, your friends arereally delightful. You know Edgaris so fond of all of usand takesvery good care of us. We want to hear it. Sam:[offscreen]Well, Mac, this must be the trunk, eh? Aristocats are never found inalley ways or hanging around. And other poems by Maya Angelou. Ready, everyone? We meanfar more to her than that. [sings] A guy so swell. And come to think of it, O'Malley,you're not a cat, you're a rat. Roquefort:H-How about--O' Grady? Edgar Balthazar: Oh, ho! Portions of this script are copyrighted by walt disney company and are used without permission. But where? Being British, I wouldhave preferred sherry. Amelia: You will never learn to swim properlywith that willow branch in your mouth. I mean it's surprising they haven't that they're not all in jail! Steady, girl. Madame Adelaide Bonfamille: [voice]No, no, no, Georges. Berlioz [offscreen] I wish we were homewith Madame right now. Clickety-clickety-clickety. All right. Copyright 2023 Penske Business Media, LLC. O'Malley: Are you sure we'reon the right street where you live? O'Malley:[offscreen]That was justa lucky break for me, baby. I think it's wrong I've done a lot of PSA's do NOT f*** your family. Sarah Silverman: Joe Franklin loved The Aristocrats. O'Malley: Now look, kids. Milkman: Sacrebleu! Its release marks the completion and end of something, or perhaps several things, though what, exactly, is difficult to determine or Frollo: [To Phoebus, unimpressed] Look at that disgusting display. It's a motorcycle. [Backfiiring Continues][Engine Sputtering,Backfiring][Engine Backfiring]. John Leader: Now, that movie can be part of your family's collection of grand Disney animated classics. Gee, I'm cold and I'm w-wet. Oh, perish the thought. Which pets know bestall the gentle social graces? [offscreen]His eyes are too close together. ' This is a family who are raping their own children and performing bestiality. 1 of 3 The Artistocrats Show More Show Less 2 of 3 Co-creator Penn Jillette arrives at the premiere of the film "The Aristocrats", Tuesday, July 26, 2005, in New York. The husband, he plays chess with Timmy - and then the maid comes in with strawberries and whipped cream, and they all eat a nice dessert. Berlioz: Look, guys! Kyle?! Duchess: Please, girls. Use your karate chop action! Quasimodo: Good morning. Mark Elliott: "Toy Story". Duchess:Because of our owner. Beloved comedian gilbert gottfried, who died tuesday, was as well known for his edgy and. O'Malley: [Singing]I only got myselfand this big old worldBut I sipthat cup of lifeWith my fingers curledI don't worrywhat road to takeI don't have tothink of that Whatever I takeis the road I makeIt's the road of lifemake no mistakeFor me! Napoleon:Wait a minute. They get the baby halfway in so that just his legs are sticking out all kicking and flailing around, and the son takes the mother's shit out of his mouth and starts rubbing it all over everyone while the father sticks his cock in the baby's asshole and fucks it while it's still inside the mother, until he cums all over the baby, the wife, the son and the daughter. Beau Weaver: From moviesto magical vacations. Scratch one butler. Heel, roll over, play dead! Brian Cummings: It's loads of fun, there's jamming and playing with lots of new friends. Duchess: [Laughing]Oh, darling. Frou-Frou neighs. Which pets liveon cream and loving pats? And it's gonna stop for passengersrighthere. Kittens! Thief #2: [singing] Pull up an easy chair! Georges Hautecourt: You haven't got an extra foot,have you, Edgar? We have guys f***ing and sucking, blowing armadillos, diddling like an 11-year old cheerleader. See what happens to Hitler's dick. Huh? WebAristocrats Joke [OFFENSIVE] Brandon Rogers Brandon Rogers 6.23M subscribers 139K 4.1M views 7 years ago My take on the age-old Aristocrats joke. ln trouble! Wish me luck. Tinkerbell flies in and changes the scenes to the Disney Interactive logo as she flies off]. Lafayette: [Chuckling nervously] Ow! Edgar opens the door. It was my favorite role. Then the father gets up and says, "And now for our impersonation of the victims of 9/11." [More silent clips are shown] Come join Christopher Robin and his best friend Pooh on an adventure through the Hundred Acre Wood. When they're seenupon an airing. Napoleon: I'm the leader. And don't worry. The cat cowers against the wall, shaking in fear. I'm still tryin'to get to SHORE! And saying, "This is totally wrong! And aristocatic flair in what they do and what they say. And since it is a kids joke, i highly doubt it is a nonsensical joke (e.g. Oh, my gracious! Come along for rapping and roaring with some furry bears. O'Malley: So I got a few to spare. Funny Knock Knock Jokes To Tell Your Friends. Duchess: Oh, mademoiselles, thank you so muchfor helping Mr. O'Malley. Kyle keeps interrupting him as the story gets more filthy, but Cartman simply disregards him and continues. O'Malley: I'm all right,Duchess,honey. [Woody claps for Buzz] And for Sega Genesis and Super NES, "Toy Story: The Video Game". Amelia! A very enthusiastic--. Kittens, come along! Ooh! I'll be spitting feathers for a week. O'Malley: [Gasping] Help? Let's move, move, move! I've only got one. Berlioz: Mama, do we have towaddle like they do? Naturellement! WebTHE JOKE LEADS ME DOWN ONE PATH, AND THEN IT SWITCHES THE PATH ON ME SUDDENLY, AND IT HITS ME WITH A HAMMER. Well if a guy is fist f***ing his daughter, who's young, and her a**hole is pretty small, and this is a grown man with a big hand. Amelia: Oh, yes, I thinkwe'd better be going. Napoleon: Wait a minute, that's funny. [ Laughing ]That always makes melaugh, sir. Madame Adelaide Bonfamille:[Madame]Of course we will. O'Malley:Okay. Remember when I took you to Sea World? [Gasping][Laughing] It's only a tree. Georges Hautecourt: Wha--? And the agent says, "Well, what do you call them?" [offscreen]Huh, and those kids. Hugo: Way to go, lover boy! Cartman: You guys want to hear a funny joke my grandpa told me? Choo-choo-choo,choo-choo. "Saranora," and allthose goodbye things, baby. O'Malley: I'll bet they're onthat magic carpet right now. Let's getout of here. Another cat slides a hook under the harness. He could be a longshoreman. Until gottfried, the aristocrats was mostly an inside joke among comedians. Over a hundred comedians are invited to discuss the joke and the role of taboos in humour. Gilbert Gottfried: A lot of you are probably saying "Wait, wait, wait. The details of the joke change with every telling (and [1] Gottfried quickly launched into the infamous Hold on. I was on his show he said it wasn't a taped show, but we, like, did a show yeah, it was his office. Duchess: Now, Marie, darling,don't be frightened. Don't be frightened. So if you would be just so kind. Madame Adelaide Bonfamille: [offsceen] Oh, my goodness, Edgar. Roquefort: [Sniffiing]Mm! Maybe it would come out right now as an For a walking tourof France. Georges Hautecourt: [voice] To your cats? That is not kind of you. The Georges Hautecourt: [voice] Edgar you say? You ready? [Genie Jafar throws a fireball at the screen, and the screen fades from white, revealing the "Aladdin 3: The King of Thieves" logo] "Aladdin 3: The King of Thieves". Two cats throw a harness from the hay loft, encircling him. Kittens! Now [Silent clips of "Aladdin 3" are shown, starting with Aladdin riding Magic Carpet, and Genie flying next to him as they enter Agrabah] Walt Disney Pictures invites you to a celebration. Mark Elliott: "Muppet Treasure Island". They're in the trunk! Edgar Balthazar: Could we take the elevatorthis time, sir? Go! [Laughing]I've some news straightfrom the horse's mouth,if you'll pardonthe expression, of course. They're the startof my new foundation. [ Humming ]Ta-ra-ra-boom-de-ayTa-ra-ra-boom-de--Oops! Duchess: Now, Berlioz. Phenomenal. You know, I mean, one of those--. [Roquefort runs to the trunk and works on the combination lock. Yes. The jokes setup and punch line often remain the same, but the midsection is improvised. Hmm? Whew! Toulouse: I'll bet we walkeda hundred miles. The father says to the talent agent, "Sir, our family has an amazing act. Brian Cummings: Plus singing and swinging with the frogs. Pretty soon, all of them are completely naked including the dog, who takes his leash off.. I'm afraid it was justthe imagination of an old lady. Mark Elliott: And take part in the wedding of the century. I do believeyou've been drinking. Size nine-and-a-half. Nothin'. Roquefort:Don't come in! WebThe Aristocrats is a terminal movie. Duchess: Especially whenhe's marinated! [offscreen]I've learned to live with 'em. Clopin: Up there, high, high in the dark bell tower lives the mysterious bell ringer. Aristocats[ Singing ln French ]. Neighborhood! It's a totally different show. If we're going to Paris ourselves, why don't youjoin us? Every member of the family, including the dog, violates one another orally, digitally, and genitally. Evening, Edgar. Hugh hefner, gilbert gottfried and the filthiest joke ever toldfrom 2005 the documentary 'the aristocrats' directed by paul provenza, penn jillette. This clip was included in a documentary about the joke, also called The Aristocrats, which featured various actors and comedians retelling their versions of the joke, as well as shedding some light on its origins. But, anyway, he says, "What is it called?" Title of infamous joke without a punchline. Duchess:Oh! George carlin shares his version of the aristocrats joke. Abigail: We are to meet himat Le Petit Cafe. The father bends the kid over the guy's desk and starts taking him from behind, which isn't right. Aristocrats no longer exist, or at least theyre not called aristocrats. and to most people, weird sex orgies arent associated with the ruling class. O'Malley pushes the pitchfork off with his hind feet, freeing himself. Old picklepuss Edgar! So the talent agent says, "All right, you've got two minutes." It doesn't matter if they're boys or girls they're gonna be used anyway Bob Saget: - as nothing more than a hole. We're almost home. O'Malley:[offscreen]Move! Dana Gould: It's the perfect joke. Aladdin: [singing] I'm eventually getting married! Georges Hautecourt: Yes, yes! I'm the only cat of my kind. That was something. ". The Aristocats! Uncle Waldo: Oh, righto, girls. 17 Now, now, Berlioz. Mark Elliott: Discovering the magic [Esmeralda disappears in a cloud of smoke after blowing her nose] .within himself. The cat runs to the stable door and locks it. Edgar Balthazar:[offscreen]Now, my little pesky pets. Carrie Fisher: My mother was a golden shower queen. Go on! Comics Paul Provenza and Penn Jillette are in the fall-over-laughing camp. Toulouse: Is there anything we can do tohelp you,Mr. O'Malley, huh? Mark Elliott: The "Toy Story: Animated Storybook" and "Toy Story: The Video Game", from Disney Interactive! Splendid, madame! They show aristocatic bearing. I guess youcan't win 'em all. I remember that Ifainted. Roquefort: Not a sign of them, Frou-Frou,and I've searched all night. O'Malley: Show you the way? Doug stanhope's variation of the aristocrats joke. They're gone! Uncle Waldo: [Screaming]Abigail! Buzz Lightyear: Hey! Abigail: Mr. O'Malley, I think youshould be the rear end. with the starsas our guide. WebIn the film, Gottfried said hed heard the joke called The Aristocrats, The Sophisticates, and Blood Shit and Come and Eating Each Other Out and Fistfucking a Dog but Right. Georges Hautecourt: [ Laughing ]Come on, Edgar. All of them dollars. I simplywish to have the cats inherit first. (Laughter) That joke's been "around." He sneaked upbehind me and tailgated me. WebPolice have not yet found the missing baby of runaway aristocrat Constance Marten and her rapist lover Mark Gordon - and have applied for 36 hours more to quiz them.. Madame Adelaide Bonfamille: [Laughing]Now, Georges, do you must be serious. Something smells awfully good. [offscreen]Ah. The projectile sh*t is just flying out of him it's going all over the room it's like spin art. My complimentsto the chef. [ Chuckling ]. Hold on, Kyle. Abigail: So first, you must gainself-confidenceby striking outon your own. [onscreen]Heave-ho! Come along, dear. Berlioz: Thank you, Miss Frou-Frou,for letting me ride on your back. When you lift something it better be a cock. And then my daughter comes on stage. Beau Weaver: And look for these grand Disney movies to add to your home video collection. Cats:Everybody, everybodyEverybody wantsto be a cat, Berlioz: [ Sighing ]Everybody wantsto be a cat, Marie: Because a cat'sthe only catWho knowswhere it's at. Fisherman's luck. I'll be gone. [Laughing]You're making it very difficult. Swimming, some of the way. Gee! Like he wants to know, like the name's the important thing! I was asleep a winkall day. All of a sudden the kid can't take it, diarrhea starts shooting out of his ass. [Screen fades to reveal more clips] Aladdin and Jasmine's dreams are eventually coming true. Oh, dear,what a terrible night. So dysfunctional, it defies description. Napoleon: What was that? Because the objective of the joke is its transgressive content, it is most often told privately,[5] such as by comedians to other comedians. Children, where are you? Jon Stewart: Just the other day I was eating my own sh*t. Jon Ross: And then, the denouement the butt f***ing. Duchess:No, not at all. And beyond! Mysterious Cat-napperAbducts Family of Cats." The joke was the subject of a 2005 documentary film of the same name. And so, you see,we can't leave her alone. It's about that big Bob Saget: I believe that's Shandling's joke. Toulouse: But you know what? Just we two. He tries to shut it, but the alley cats attack]. We British liketo keep things proper. Now the mother lays down on her back on the floor while the daughter gets up high on a chair and starts pissing all over. It wasn't a dream, was it? And the agent's like, "What do you do?" Absolutely. "The Aristocrats" (also called "The Debonaires" or "The Sophisticates" in some tellings) is a taboo-defying off-color joke that has been told by numerous stand-up comedians since the vaudeville era. This script is a transcript that was painstakingly transcribed using the screenplay and/or viewings of the aristocrats. Take that! [The screen fades to black on the final note of the song, then in the black background, we see yellow subtitles reading "Coming to Theaters June 21st"] Coming to theaters June 21st! We give the first few rows garbage bags. Georges Hautecourt: [ Singing ]Ta-ra-ra-boom-de-ayTa-ra-ra-boom-de-ay[ Humming ]Oh. I'll be right back, y'all. You never miss. Lafayette: Napoleon, I'm plumbgoose-pimply scared! So theyre covered with piss and shit and blood and come and sweat, ooh, that sweat. It's showtime! Amelia: Uncle Waldo. You're comin' on. I'll get flat feet. 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